The Gift Of  Infertility

I never thought it would be this way. Year after year I watch as my friends’ children grow and as new ones come along. I marvel at their rate of growth, and never can believe how big they have gotten. My life sometimes seems like an endless stream of baby showers, birthday parties and get-togethers where we rejoice over first teeth, first steps and other milestones. Year after year passes, and nothing ever changes for me. God has closed my womb and I am unable to conceive a child.

For the past six years my husband and I have gone through every imaginable treatment to have a child, and many of these treatments have made me extremely sick. Every attempt has failed, and with month after month of failure, chronic grief can easily set in. Something big is missing in my life, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I deal with the guilt of not being able to give my husband a child, and the worry of being a lonely couple with no family in old age. Infertility is a dream shattered. We attempted adoption, but it failed as well. Every avenue we have tried has resulted in a closed door. So many times I have asked God to take the desire for children out of my heart, but He doesn’t answer this prayer. Well meaning friends and family constantly tell me to “relax and it will happen” or “adopt and you’ll get pregnant”. I deal with insensitive remarks from people I barely know, who don’t know anything of my medical condition or situation.

What do you do when God’s plan is different from your own? This is a dilemma we will all face in one way or another in our lives. Does God cease to be good because things don’t seem ‘fair’ to us? Is he unaware of what is happening down here? Has he forgotten us? The answer to these questions is “no”. We are to trust God in all things, and to even rejoice when things don’t go our way. His grace is sufficient, and He has a master plan.

I have finally come to the point where I thank God for the ‘gift’ of  infertility. That may sound strange, but through this struggle, God has taught me to truly trust Him and to rest in Him. I have come to see that it is not me in control of my life, but Him. I see His goodness in how He has nurtured me through it and sent me wonderful gifts.  I have also come to know that there is certain growth that cannot take place without suffering. God has used these experiences to mold my heart and to teach me to trust Him no matter what. It says that we are most like Christ in our sufferings. It also says that He is the potter and we are his workmanship. He is making us into the vessels He needs us to be through this life.

If  we are given everything we ask, what is faith for? When things are all wrong do we throw in the towel? Do we lose faith? Do we give up on God? I feel honored to have been given the opportunity to trust God in dire circumstances, and to get to vow to follow Him no matter what comes my way when I find myself in a pit. Job said, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him”. I strive to trust God to this degree.

I’ve learned a few things, too. God may not answer our prayers in the way we want Him to, but He sends the means for us to get through it. Never before have I felt more closely the hand of God on me than when I have been at my lowest points in this struggle. He is always there to comfort me. He has sent wonderful friends along the way to encourage me. I’ve learned that life is a precious gift and that it truly is a miracle. I am not so surprised I can’t have children, but I am more surprised that anyone can. It is truly an amazing thing.

God is so good! He is all wise and has a perfect plan. My infertility reminds me that I am not here on this earth for me, but to live for Him. Whatever He chooses to do with my life, I will embrace it. God is the captain of my life, and I welcome whatever He has for me.

What can you do when life throws a devastating bomb at you? How do you deal with a medical diagnosis that has no hope? How do we respond when we find out there has been a terrible accident, or someone we love is not going to make it? Only in Christ is there hope. Only in Him is there true strength. I know there is no strength in me, but there doesn’t have to be. God is my strength. All that matters is that He be glorified in our lives. When He is captain of our lives we find true peace.

May your name be glorified in my life, Lord Jesus!

Celina - Chula Vista, California